Seriously, He's Got Somthin'...

I am smiling.  I just went out with My Computer Genius last night and I just can't get over how much I love him.  The guy really has something.  It has been years, YEARS, and I still love to be around him.  I still love to kiss his lips and smell his skin.  I love to look into his eyes and share our moments.  To me he is so cool, so handsome and so ... him.

Yesterday was fun because we went out with the kids.... my kids, who happen to be adults.  He was late so honestly I was a little annoyed with him when he arrived and I just climbed into the truck and we set out immediately to go get them.  It was later when we were in the restaurant that I realized how much I wanted to lean over and kiss him.  It was almost overwhelming.  I didn't because I didn't want my kids to feel uncomfortable but I did tell him.

After dinner we drove the kids home.  They were ahead of us and almost in the house.  He surprised me by pulling me aside in the night, right there on the sidewalk and just kissed the hell out of me.  He was fabulous!  I love his kiss.  I love his height and the way I breathe from his lungs when I kiss him.  I love the way he envelops me and the feeling of being in his arms.  I love his taste and the warmth.  When I kiss him there are no other people on Earth, only us.  Only our lips and our mouths and .....

Then my son turned on the porch light.  He sliced into our darkness.  We cut it short and smiled together because it was, obviously, time to go in.    :)  

I Guess If You Hang Out With Guys Long Enough You Can Catch Them Between Wives...

Below is a recent letter I wrote to my dear friend Jim.

OK Jim,

I really want to know how you are and ask about what you are doing and tell you how much I appreciate you and care for you but I can't.  I can't seem to do anything but stare at my ring finger.  

It is him.  You know, my computer genius.  The guy I just called one day and said, "Hey, let's get it on." You know, the guy who got married then widowed, then married then divorced.  The guy who was my friend then my lova then my friend again and now my lova...   :)  That guy.  The guy I have passed years and years with since 1996.  The man I have cried and laughed over and talked endlessly about with you.  ...  Him.  Well, we're in love.  We recently talked about making things permanent.  So that's what we did.  We have decided to be together fo-eva-ish.

So anyway, on Valentines day he took me to this place by the river where we picnic and talk about life and the future and whatnot.  He got out of the pickup and called me to the back to help him with something and right there he got down on his knees in the mud and the rain and asked me if I would accept him.   

It was a bit surreal because I knew he was going to at some point but I had no idea he would kneel in the mud.  I, kind of, love him more for that although if you are going to suffer I think kneeling on broken glass would have proved more of a point than the mud and the rain.  ....  kidding... 

So I savored the moment.  I permanently imprinted the look of this 6'2" man kneeling in front of me with his blue coat covered with raindrops.  His face was wet and when he would try to open his eyes he would get rain in them and have to squint. 

He said what he had to say and held the ring out to me on that gray day.  We both knew I was going to say yes but I waited just a second or two longer than was comfortable so I could live the moment again and then relive it again and of course, try his patience a little... but he held strong and I said yes.  Then I kissed him.   

Then I told him he couldn't get back in the truck until he cleaned all that caked mud off his pants.  But he figured out he could just take them off and get in so we could make love like kids on a country road.   

I love you Jim...
I will write more soon but I just had to share my joy with you.  Hope this note finds you and yours well and happy. 

<3 Patty  

This Day...

This day is so beautiful.  The air is so crisp it refreshes me to breathe.  The colors are sharp and vibrant.  Blue sky, sunlight shining through green leaves, white clouds.  Then all the rich colors and fragrances in the wood and the Earth, even the street, that only a Spring rain leaves behind.  I am fortunate to have this day.  I am even more fortunate to notice the beauty of this day and my place in it.

51...

Well, the sun is coming up.  I am sitting in my dark living room looking outside at the waking day.  I have my warm pj's on and steaming coffee on the table in front of me.  I am curled up like a cat on the couch with my feet tucked under a pillow.  Out my window I see a little a little pink in the sky to the North, just at the horizon.  There is a little yellow in the East, lilac in the West and the sky above is a pale blue.  Such beautiful colors.  They're Easter colors.

Today is the day before Easter and I am sitting here contemplating my life. It isn't the influence of Easter that has this effect on me.  It's that my birthday falls on Easter this year.   Now you get it, don't you?  The yearly life inventory that takes place around your birthday.

Examining my life isn't such a bad thing.  It is like that yearly mammogram.  It isn't that I think anything is wrong.  It's s just that if there is anything wrong it is important to discover it before any real damage is done.    Moments of reflection like this are necessary once in a while throughout your life.

My "stock-taking-of-life" moments are personal.  I don't usually share them with anyone. This is the type of stuff that I think about in the morning with my coffee during my "alone time"#1 and it goes something like this:

Lifefact #1  -  Wow, I am a 50 year old woman.  -  hmm, I don't feel 50, well, actually I will be 51 tomorrow.  I wonder what time of day I was born?  hmmm, I better ask Mom about that.  Wow, 51.  Jesus.  Well, I feel good so I better get in shape before my health kicks my butt.  OK

Lifefact #2  -  51 and I live with my mother and aunt.  Am I embarrassed about that?  Yes, a little.  But what is the big deal?  I enjoy being around Mom, or at least I do when I am not around her and can think about it from a theoretical viewpoint...  It's an arrangement.  It's almost working.  We're almost all having fun.  OK

Lifefact #3  -  Hmmm, my job...  It's good.  Can't say I am overly fond of my boss but who is?  Decent money... for a poor person...  no.. it's cool.  I am thankful.  I like it.  Sure wish I would be a writer though.  Guess I should try to get published.  But, hmm, well, to get published I actually have to write.  What do I have to write about?  Who would want to read anything I write.  My kids don't even like to read my stuff.  Well, that's because I put so much sex into it...  poor kids...  hmm.  Could I write anything without sex in it?.....  hmm.  I don't want to.  I like sex and it's part of my life.  :) (thinking of him)...  OK  :)

Lifefact #4  -  Speaking of him... my love life.  Oh my God...  could this thing get any more fucked up and weird?  Jesus, if I wrote about this I would be a millionaire, or shunned, but either way..  Jesus.  Why do things have to be so complicated?  Why doesn't he listen to me?  I am never going to see him again.  He doesn't deserve me....  I wish I didn't love the bastard.  God...  (foot tapping and forceful typing)  grrrr...  that's it.  I am going to straighten this shit out....  OK

Lifefact #5  -  My Retirement.  I am so screwed.  I am going to have to work 'till I die.  That sucks...  OK

Liifefact #6  -  Kids.  (deep reflective breath, and another...  and another...  and another...  and another...  oh....  my...  God...  I... am...  hyper...  ventilating....  bag... get the...  bag....)   Whew, Nick..  Nick, at least, is doing very well.  I love Nick...  yeah....  (right now he is pulling the "brother load" for me.  Don't know what I would do without him.)  No grand kids but who am I to push?  Better they wait until they are ready.  I just crochet the blankets for my future grandchildren and have them put away for their arrival. I have to do it early.  At this rate, when I finally do get a grandchild I won't be able to hold a crochet hook... or see them through the cataracts... or remember them through the dementia... But maybe that is fine.  Who would want to bring a child into this world?  Whatever...  hopefully when I do finally get grandchildren I will be able to see them all the time.  OK

Miscellaneous Surprises --  I feel sexy and pretty despite my weight.  My feet are a size larger.  I think older men are more handsome than younger men.  My ideal day would consist of coffee, writing, gardening, making a wonderful dinner for my husband, laying with my head against his heart and listening to it beat, sex on the couch where I ride him slow (like Eric Clapton's second version of Layla) and then deep sleep between our soft sheets together.  mmmmmmmmmmm    Hmmm...  I do most of those things every day.  Not all but most...  That's good isn't it?  Yeah, OK.

When I look at "the state of my life" I conclude that I am happy.  I am loved and I love many.  My face is most often covered with a smile and my heart is warm with appreciation.  I have family.  I have a job.  I have my health.  I have monkey sex.  I have good, good friends.  I have joy and I have even watched Eric Clapton sing his new version of Layla in person (sitting in a wooden chair tapping his feet.)

I am a very lucky girl.  I am.  My happiness makes me want to work even harder at enjoying my life and the beautiful people in it.  What I say now I say to all my friends and family who will never read this,  "Thank you all for my beautiful gifts of you.  I love you all so incredibly much.  You have made my life full, lovely, fun to live and happy.  Thank you for the joys of  this year and every other year."

Menopause...

I am in love with a saint.  An.Absolute.Saint.
This really happened.

My Love called me and asked me to meet him for lunch.  He has been attentive this season because I guess I always get emotional around the Christmas holiday.  He is a really busy man.  He has a job that, according to me, is very important and integral.  He has kids.  He volunteers.  He helps his friends.  He has Me...  He has Me...  Yes, he has me...

Christmas came and went.  I made him dinner.  We watched a movie at home.  We exchanged gifts; I gave him home made Kahlua and he gave me lots of money and some luxurious body butter, lotion and cologne because that's what I like.  We had lots of face time and body time.  We read, we touched, we were silent together.  It was great, wonderful, intimate, romantic even amazing.

Now, what I am going to share with you won't make any sense.  You may have questions that seem like easy solutions to some of the problems I suffered but remember, this post isn't about me.  It's about him.

After Christmas he was at work and he called me to ask me to meet him for lunch.  I am always glad to hear from him and I almost always want to see him so I agreed.  It was set.  We would meet at 2 o'clock.  Well, I went downstairs to have my coffee and sit quietly for a minute before starting my day.  It didn't exactly work out that way.  My body was quiet but my thoughts were all over the place.

I cancelled our lunch - via email- siting the fact that I was low on gas and couldn't drive all the way across the valley to meet him.  I said, in the email, that it was OK with me if he were to come over to my house the following morning and crawl into bed with me but I wasn't driving to him.  (I know, right?)

I get a phone call and in his usual loving voice he asks me if I would prefer he drive out to my house for lunch.  We didn't even have to go out.  We could have lunch in and sit and talk together.  He simply wanted to see me.  I was confused and relieved that he was still speaking to me, but I happily agreed.

So, he comes over...  we eat, we chat, we nap and he has to go back to work.  I am happy.. unusually happy.. almost like on a drug happy.  We both have to drive into the city so I suggest I follow him in.  He agrees so we set out on our way.

Now... here's the thing.  I could ask him for anything and he would give it to me if he could.  He never wants me to suffer, stress or be in any harm.  I don't like taking things from him.  I am self sufficient and all those great things people are supposed to be at my age.  When I accept his help it cracks that theory/armor a little bit and it makes me feel uncomfortable.  So I never tell him I need gas and I only have enough to get back and forth to work and that's as long as I drive slow.. the speed limit.

We get on the freeway and I am following his sexy car.  After about a mile I can see he is driving about 70.  I am only 65 and I can't go over 65 or I may run out of gas on my way home.  I keep waiting for him to slow down.  He doesn't.  I consider speeding up.  I can't/wont.  So what does this self sufficient person of my age do?  I begin to cry.  I am crying on the freeway because he is ahead of me and driving faster than I am.  I watch his car get further and further away and cry with just as much melodrama as if he left me standing barefoot and in rags in a desolate high desert in the winter.  I thought to call him but realized I forgot my phone at home.... and my lunch.... and my dinner...  and I didn't eat breakfast....   By the time other cars were between us and I couldn't see him anymore I was sobbing.

The minute I get to work I email him with the title, "why did you leave me?".  I mentioned all my horrors and woes and in some sense blamed them all on him.  I hope I never know what he does privately when he reads some of my emails because I was so relieved when he wrote back and .. he apologized..  After his apology he offered to come and get me on my break, take me to get a sandwich and fill my gas tank.  I replied, "No.  I don't have enough time for that.  I have some chips here."  Then he says, "OK, I will bring you a sandwich and mentions my favorite sandwich, and give you some money for gas."  I reply, "NO.  I am fine." This went on for a couple more emails including things like "I want to take care of you whenever I can" and "I love you's" from him and declarations like "I can take care of myself 100% financially", "I'm serious, don't come here." until he finally relented and went home without bringing me dinner or gas money.

Of course, that pissed me off.

I work nights so he usually doesn't call me in the morning.  He emails me.  The next day I awake to an email from him asking me how I am.  One of his questions was about my statement of how I can "take care of myself 100%".  Honestly I don't remember what I replied but it was a bunch of blather about a bunch of crap.  I was writing a novella of shit and it took me so long that he wrote back again saying he hadn't heard from me and he hoped I was ok and that he loved me.  To which I replied only, "sometimes i don't think you like me." then finished the other one and sent that too.

Oh Jesus.  I wish this were the end of the story but it's not.  My menopausal hormones were in overdrive.  I was even perspiring so much that I had to mop my face with my hankie.  I kept checking my email for his reply and when I didn't get one I decided to cut the crap and just call him.

I dialed... it rang... and rang...  and then he picked up but didn't say anything... then the call disconnected.  Normally I would understand it wasn't a good time.  He is at work after all.  But not this day.. not with this internal chemistry.  So I dialed him right back.  The call went straight to voicemail.  That bastard!  I even went down a list of possible women he could be cheating on me with.  Then I got a text from him.  "Give me a sec.  I'm in the bathroom."  I was relieved... and actually replied "teehee" to his bathroom text.

Oh my God.  This poor man.  He must have known when he called me back he was walking right into the face of global scale dumbassness.  I have no idea how he kept his cool but he, kind of, did.  He listened to all my fears and irrational thoughts and my anger about how I was hungry last night and every single thing.  We talked about our roles in the relationship together.  I remember saying a couple of times, "No, just let me say this.  Just let me finish." so obviously I wasn't letting him talk.  FINALLY he just lost it.

He did.  His voice got tight and he said with no small degree of authority, "No, you listen.  If you want to be my wife then you better start acting like a wife.  That means that you don't refuse everything I try to give you then get mad when I don't give it to you.  From now on, if I want to do something for you or give you something you are to accept it as a token of my love and all you are allowed to say is "Thank you Dear".  That's it... nothing else.  You take it and you say thank you!".  I started to speak and he said, "No, I mean it.  If I give you the ugliest Christmas sweater ever made you are to accept it and say thank you dear.  You can even take it back later but you will still thank me.  Do you understand that?"   "Yes"  "I mean it.  Do you understand"  "....yes.  i do..."
"OK then, damn it!"

He continues,
"Now, tomorrow, when I see you, if I want to give you something what are you going to say?"  "Thank you, Dear."
"Damn right you will."
"I will."
"I love you Angel."
"I love you too and thank you for putting up with me."
"That's what love is.  Good bye.  See you tomorrow, Angel."

Oh...  deep breath... sigh...  I count myself so damn lucky.  This menopause is a really wild ride.  It's horrible.  It's like, I know I am being a complete idiot and completely insane but I can't stop myself.  It's like ...  I don't know what it's like...  It has to be something like manic depression.. the ups and downs.  Mood changes back and forth in a matter of seconds.  Seriously dangerous and tedious shit...  and the sweat.. oh God the heat and the sweat...

Oh.. sigh..  He must really love me to put up with this stuff.

I am going to meet him today.  As soon as I publish this, in fact.  I hope he does give me the ugliest Christmas sweater on the face of the Earth. I won't take it back.  I will keep it.   I will wear it when I am alone with him.  It will be the only thing I am wearing...  And all he will hear, over and over again is,
"Thank you, Baby.
I love you.
Thank you for loving me so completely." 

My Handkerchief...

I am strong.
My body and my mind have proved resilient over these years.
We all are
Even when we don't want to be.
Over the years my body, my presence, my life
Has experienced Joys unfathomable.. unimaginable..
Joys that are not always fleeting but constant and woven into my identity.
Love, Friendship, Motherhood, Art.

I love the smile on a human body.
What is a smile anyway other than an organic reaction to our souls.
A smile is recognition, overflowing pleasure, vulnerable.
Smiles are an invitation,
Like an open palm.
"I see you.  You touched me."
Human

We forget about ourselves as we live our lives.
Everyday we get up.
We eat and drink.  We share.
Talking, Driving, Cooking, Deep in thought. Sometimes living in Auto-mode.

Our hearts pump the blood through our veins.
Lungs divide the oxygen from the waste.
We get cut but our skin will heal.
We fall but get back up.
We laugh, sometimes until we pee.

But it's there.. in our pockets or in our purses
Our Handkerchiefs.

In the morning when we anticipate a full day.
When we meet life head on
We grab our tools.
Everything necessary to be a strong, capable Life.
But we also grab our hankie
because we know..
Despite our strength, sometimes even alongside our happiness
We weep.

Without our consent something happens to our steel
And the tears fall from our eyes, usually silently and unacknowledged.
To be dabbed up quickly with our handkerchiefs.
Dab the eyes, dab the nose, sniff...
Raise your head and put the cloth back in your pocket.
Cary on
Strong.
Smile.

Sometimes, not often, I look at my handkerchief in my hand.
I can see my fingers through the delicate fabric but
It has lasted all these years... like me.
Like my body and my soul.
It has been a part of
So much overflowing emotion.

If I allow myself to think about it ...  but I never do...
If I allow myself to think about everything I have
Wrung through that Handkerchief over the years
I have to pause.
I have to gently, lovingly smile and be thankful for this life.

I am strong and I can do anything
But I know there are tears to come.
All I can do is prepare for them with
This Handkerchief.

Sometimes I hold it to my lips
And kiss it
As I would kiss my cross
When in prayer.

A Dusting Of Flour...

This picture doesn't do these little gifts justice.
They are way cuter and the smell.. mmm.
I will also throw in a handful of pecans.

I am content.  Right now I have shortbread dough just chillin' in the fridge.  I am drinking a cuppa and writing to you.  My kitchen is completely dusted with flour.  According to me that is heaven - with a rolling pin, oven, refrigerator and cookie dough and coffee.  

I woke early this morning so I could make six dozen shortbread cookies for a cookie exchange party tomorrow.  I stood alone in the kitchen, the only one awake with my steaming cup o' joe and my room temperature butter on the counter.  I gathered the ingredients, the mixer, my big Tupperware counter mat and went to work flinging butter across the room in a cloud of flour.  Three batches of measuring, mixing, creaming, kneading, patting, shaping, covering and chillin'.

It is all chilled now so I get to go back in there (kitchen heaven) to roll out and cut cookies and bake.  Soon my house will smell like "Someplace You Never Want To Leave" as I clean the flour off every surface in the room.

I am a messy cook but I am a happy cook.
This morning has been a good morning, indeed.
I wish you all a dusting of flour and all the security and joy that goes with it.

Brown Sugar Scottish Shortbread Cookie Recipe
http://allrecipes.com/recipe/scottish-shortbread-iv/

2c butter
1c packed brown sugar
4 1/2 c all purpose flour

Preparation:

bite size cookies - no pricking necessary  :)

1. Preheat oven to 325 degrees
2. Cream butter and brown sugar.  Add 3 to 3 3/4 c flour.  Mix well
3. Sprinkle board with the remaining flour.  Knead for 5 minutes adding enough flour to make a soft dough.  
4. I wrap the dough in Saran Wrap, pat into disks and chill in the fridge for about 45 minutes.  
5. Roll to 1/2 inch thickness.  Cut into 3x1 inch strips.  Prick with fork.  (tee hee)  and place on ungreased baking sheets (I use parchment paper).
6. The recipe doesn't call for it but I place my cookie sheet with the cookies on it into the freezer for about 15minutes before I put them in the oven.  
7. Bake at 325 degrees for 20 - 25 minutes.  (my bite size cookies baked for 15 - 18 minutes)

Dark Chocolate Cookie Icing
http://recipes.howstuffworks.com/chocolate-glaze-a-recipe.htm

2/3 c powdered sugar
1T unsweetened cocoa powder (I used dark chocolate)
1T water
1/2 t vanilla
Preparation:

1. Sift together powdered sugar and cocoa in a medium bowl.  Add water and vanilla; mix well.  
2. Add more water, 1 teaspoon at a time until desired consistency.