Well, the sun is coming up. I am sitting in my dark living room looking outside at the waking day. I have my warm pj's on and steaming coffee on the table in front of me. I am curled up like a cat on the couch with my feet tucked under a pillow. Out my window I see a little a little pink in the sky to the North, just at the horizon. There is a little yellow in the East, lilac in the West and the sky above is a pale blue. Such beautiful colors. They're Easter colors.
Today is the day before Easter and I am sitting here contemplating my life. It isn't the influence of Easter that has this effect on me. It's that my birthday falls on Easter this year. Now you get it, don't you? The yearly life inventory that takes place around your birthday.
Examining my life isn't such a bad thing. It is like that yearly mammogram. It isn't that I think anything is wrong. It's s just that if there is anything wrong it is important to discover it before any real damage is done. Moments of reflection like this are necessary once in a while throughout your life.
My "stock-taking-of-life" moments are personal. I don't usually share them with anyone. This is the type of stuff that I think about in the morning with my coffee during my "alone time"#1 and it goes something like this:
Lifefact #1 - Wow, I am a 50 year old woman. - hmm, I don't feel 50, well, actually I will be 51 tomorrow. I wonder what time of day I was born? hmmm, I better ask Mom about that. Wow, 51. Jesus. Well, I feel good so I better get in shape before my health kicks my butt. OK
Lifefact #2 - 51 and I live with my mother and aunt. Am I embarrassed about that? Yes, a little. But what is the big deal? I enjoy being around Mom, or at least I do when I am not around her and can think about it from a theoretical viewpoint... It's an arrangement. It's almost working. We're almost all having fun. OK
Lifefact #3 - Hmmm, my job... It's good. Can't say I am overly fond of my boss but who is? Decent money... for a poor person... no.. it's cool. I am thankful. I like it. Sure wish I would be a writer though. Guess I should try to get published. But, hmm, well, to get published I actually have to write. What do I have to write about? Who would want to read anything I write. My kids don't even like to read my stuff. Well, that's because I put so much sex into it... poor kids... hmm. Could I write anything without sex in it?..... hmm. I don't want to. I like sex and it's part of my life. :) (thinking of him)... OK :)
Lifefact #4 - Speaking of him... my love life. Oh my God... could this thing get any more fucked up and weird? Jesus, if I wrote about this I would be a millionaire, or shunned, but either way.. Jesus. Why do things have to be so complicated? Why doesn't he listen to me? I am never going to see him again. He doesn't deserve me.... I wish I didn't love the bastard. God... (foot tapping and forceful typing) grrrr... that's it. I am going to straighten this shit out.... OK
Lifefact #5 - My Retirement. I am so screwed. I am going to have to work 'till I die. That sucks... OK
Liifefact #6 - Kids. (deep reflective breath, and another... and another... and another... and another... oh.... my... God... I... am... hyper... ventilating.... bag... get the... bag....) Whew, Nick.. Nick, at least, is doing very well. I love Nick... yeah.... (right now he is pulling the "brother load" for me. Don't know what I would do without him.) No grand kids but who am I to push? Better they wait until they are ready. I just crochet the blankets for my future grandchildren and have them put away for their arrival. I have to do it early. At this rate, when I finally do get a grandchild I won't be able to hold a crochet hook... or see them through the cataracts... or remember them through the dementia... But maybe that is fine. Who would want to bring a child into this world? Whatever... hopefully when I do finally get grandchildren I will be able to see them all the time. OK
Miscellaneous Surprises -- I feel sexy and pretty despite my weight. My feet are a size larger. I think older men are more handsome than younger men. My ideal day would consist of coffee, writing, gardening, making a wonderful dinner for my husband, laying with my head against his heart and listening to it beat, sex on the couch where I ride him slow (like Eric Clapton's second version of Layla) and then deep sleep between our soft sheets together. mmmmmmmmmmm Hmmm... I do most of those things every day. Not all but most... That's good isn't it? Yeah, OK.
When I look at "the state of my life" I conclude that I am happy. I am loved and I love many. My face is most often covered with a smile and my heart is warm with appreciation. I have family. I have a job. I have my health. I have monkey sex. I have good, good friends. I have joy and I have even watched Eric Clapton sing his new version of Layla in person (sitting in a wooden chair tapping his feet.)
I am a very lucky girl. I am. My happiness makes me want to work even harder at enjoying my life and the beautiful people in it. What I say now I say to all my friends and family who will never read this, "Thank you all for my beautiful gifts of you. I love you all so incredibly much. You have made my life full, lovely, fun to live and happy. Thank you for the joys of this year and every other year."
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