So, you are hovering over someone you love as they prepare to die. You have to lean in as they say their farewells. It is a sacred time. A time for two souls to connect in love. In that moment you hold that person's entire soul in your heart. Tears. There are so many tears behind your eyes. You can feel the pressure on your face and feel the tears backing up into your throat. So much emotion wrapped up in one compact moment.
It's like an emotional black hole. In that moment every memory, every ounce of love, every sliver of regret is present. This moment should be accompanied by a frenzied violin that builds and builds then ends on a long drawn note. You can't breathe. You are too focused to breathe and, even if you wanted to, who would have the strength to push against so much emotion. You can feel gravity pulling harder into the earth. There is so much pressure, compressing time, compressing a life.
I had a moment like that with my grandmother. I love her like no other. In many ways I am her or she is me, whichever. I flew home to visit her years ago when she was in the hospital. It was horrible. She was dying of cancer so I couldn't touch her without hurting her. But I wanted to. I wanted to hug her so bad and never let her go but instead I held my hand out for her and she wrapped her had around mine. I looked into her eyes and told her I loved her so much and I said I had to go catch a plane. We both knew it was the last time we would speak. We both hated doing it but it had to be done and quickly.
She said, "Bye, I love you.... I love the kids.... Be happy.... use the good crystal, always (she bought it for me)... get home safe.... and get back to your beautiful self (a reference to my weight. Yes, my grandmother told me I was fat on her death bed)."
I agreed to it all. I would do anything for her. Because of her the sand of the California beaches and salt water of the Pacific are mixed with my blood. Because of her I know what it means to absorb the sunshine and be the wind. Because of her I drink from crystal whenever it's a choice and I consider every moment a special occasion. She knows me, even now after her passing.
She still talks to me but now we communicate through Intuition, DNA and Faith. She knows I figured out my key to life. Well, my life, anyway...
I live with Purpose, Abandon and Acceptance.
I still have goals. I have a plan I work with diligence and faith... but then I roll with it.
There are all those moments along the way. Moments when I have to resign my expectations and accept what I have right then.. right now.. and be happy and grateful for it. Not every minute of my life has to be what I want it to be. Every moment is, as my children, unique unto themselves and beautiful in their entirety. Present... to be cherished.
If my beautiful grandmother asked me right now, "How are you?"
I would pause, think of ... now.. and then... and what's to come...
and then nod my head softly, look her in the eyes and say, "Mostly Happy."
She would not and tell me that amounts to a success in anyone's book...
As long as I make it end on a happy note.
I will fill this blog up with love, laughter, tears and dreams of a mostly happy life, a balanced life. You can read it if you want.
May God Bless and Keep You.
Remember to Breathe.
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